Off and away before picking up my feet

I'm spoiling myself again... I've lost the drive to work hard and write a thesis. I've decided to study abroad again! I'm going to do a psychology program in Dublin and Belfast, Ireland for a month this summer. We'll be looking at Ireland as a post-terrorism society. The other exciting news, as a result, is that I'll be graduating this coming Fall... yay!! Can't seem to settle down.

Let's celebrate whatever

Adam and I were talking today about having drinks tomorrow to celebrate exciting prospects and the results of the day (his job interview and my interview with my potential future thesis advisor), and I think I've been inspired after a day of contempt, self-pity, fire-fueled diatribes, and general frustrations. As I grow up, it bothers me more and more that my bad days and bad moods are often so unjustified. I have a really great life and there is no reason to forsake that fact. In fact, it is ungrateful and immature to do so.
That being said, I have a great life with so many wonderful possibilities and a good head on my shoulders. I want to celebrate that! My friends are genuine people with passions, inspirations, and integrity, and I want to celebrate that too! Sorry for any involuntary gagging I may have conjured in you, but the best part of my day (besides the unintelligible jabbering with my niece and nephew - one of my favorite forms of communication) was realizing how much I want to have drinks with my favorite people just to celebrate how good things are. If my Unity church events included drunkenness, I imagine it would resemble my mental image of celebration drinking.
I'm going to start doing that. For particularly special prosperous weeks, something better that pbr or yuengling will make a guest appearance. I don't want to feel like things are bad because I logically know that they are not. Things come together effortlessly, and until they do, let us drink!

creeping quietly under the water

I've been a hermit crab with a mighty thick shell, a strangely comforting piece of hard shell between me and the world. Did you know that some hermit crabs will support sea anemones on their backs as an extra form of protection under the sea? The anemone eats the dregs of the crab's meals, and the crab can be alone without ever being alone. Amazing. I can relate to that sometimes.
I decided to let go of my Atlanta dream and remain in my little crab shell in the basement of my parents' house, where I spend hours upon hours hiding out, reading, listening to music. I hardly exist to the rest of the world for the time being. During the week, I spend a lot of time in Atlanta because I have class Tuesday and Thursday. Once I come home from the city, I'm scavenging the bottom of the sea. What an alter-ego.
I need a steady job.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfPLA7nO9Ao

a family drive-by

Well, I got to see my brother (half brother), his daughter, and his mother this weekend. There were here late Friday and gone Sunday midday, in and out like that. Yet somehow, since my brother's divorce, it felt like the longest, most intimate visit I've had with him in years. Hard times aren't necessarily bad times. Kyle's a new person with his old habits of enjoying the little things and speaking freely, but now he has a daughter with whom he can share his joyful attitude in life. I guess I have a lot of worries about a messy divorce scarring his daughter, and my parents have some concern for Lily (my niece), but right now I'm just really happy that Kyle is living again.
It was totally family weekend. My parents' little house had me, my brother and his family, my sister and her family, my parents and my mother's mother. Yesterday I spent the whole day recovering in seclusion. Cleaning before, during, and after family arrived, nieces hanging all over me, drinking and playing pool with my brother and brother-in-law until the wee hours of the morning, photography explosion, too much birthday cake... it was long, blissful, and very necessary.
I still haven't gone out of my way to see people since I've arrived home, even though the thought to call people has been at the back of my head for some time. It's curious, but I guess I feel like I've been inefficient with getting important things done and maintaining some of the better habits I had in Denmark. It takes me longer to write a letter than it did in unfamiliar terrain, and it's much rarer for me to make a meal from scratch. Maybe it's because I feel like I have more distractions here, or maybe it's because I feel like I should be doing certain things and going against my nature. I don't know. I still feel a little weird, and a part of that is because my progress in getting things done has come to a temporary halt. I'm on the schedule at Intermezzo again, but I have no shifts. I've found a room that I'm going to rent downtown, but I don't know exactly when I'm going to move in. I haven't really started class yet, and I think I may be anxious to start working. I thought things were going to work out with Ryan and me, but they aren't. I want to see old friends and enjoy the old social life I had, but I've grown out of a lot of old habits I had. I thought I'd already have my bike up and running, but maintenance has been delayed several times. Just be patient, Dani. It all comes together in its own time.
It's really amazing how much a culture can influence your concept of time-keeping. When I'm in Atlanta, I usually go crazy if I have a lot of free time, so I try to fill it up as much as possible until I'm exhausted from doing too much. In Denmark, I could spend hours each day writing letters and in my journal, reading, cooking a meal for an hour, taking a walk or a bike ride, whatever I wanted that would relax me. How do you take a mentality and style of living from one city to another?

Slumber jack party!

Well, after much ado, I decided to Craigslist it and check out the rooms and housing market in my local neighborhood, and boy howdy! there are some seemingly too-good-to-be-true rooms available in fabulous neighborhoods at dreamy prices. I'm completely in love with the concept of looking for something available at a weird time of the year (mid-January? who, besides people running from living situations gone awry, wants to start a lease in mid-January?), but we'll see if there is any follow-through. However, I need to feel really confident, excited, and positive about this process because I'm trying to find something for only 4 months. Tricky, tricky.
Honestly, though, looking for a new place to set up camp has gotten me out of this funk entirely and really excited to be back in Atlanta. Once (not if) I find a place to live, I can start biking again in the city, really concentrate on finding a job I'm enamored with, brewing my own beer, taking possession of a kitchen where I can cook all of my meals, and go urban spelunking. Besides, I have a certain somebody I'd like to have lunch with occasionally in the city, and it's nice to not have to drive all the way downtown just to have a date.
I realized that I'd been kind of hard on myself initially when I started feeling a little disappointed about moving back, thinking that I was supposed to maintain the high I'd been feeling for the last 6 months. Then it occurred to me that I wasn't immediately in love with Aalborg, and things were sort of melodramatic for the first 3 weeks when I had a great yet untimely romance with a now dear friend of mine. I developed strong mutual feelings for someone who had a girlfriend, and it sort of put a damper on things until I breathed and remembered who and where I was. So I think it's completely natural to feel a bit disappointed/overwhelmed/uncomfortable when you have such a huge shift in your life and you're still a little more sensitive than usual.
On another note, my current living situation has made it quite easy to start looking for a new place to live. The water pipes have been frozen for two days now and we've been waterless, my grandmother just arrived tonight for the first day of her 7-week stay, and next weekend we have 3 more family members coming for my niece's third birthday party. I'm sleeping in the basement with my belongings in a laundry basket, and I don't know what I'll do next weekend when everyone else is here. This is not exactly my definition of comfortable, but I do love being home with family.

I'm content here and now. Always trying to live it and stay with it. That's a great philosophy, you know? Here and now. (throwbacks to Way of the Peaceful Warrior for its stellar "here and now" mantra)

I love my life!

You know, I've been in a bit of a funk lately, and I have absolutely no reason to be. I am currently not in school, don't have a job, have no major bills to pay, and have a beautiful outlook on life. That's the recipe for a good time, even if it's something simple like a lazy day in front of the fire, hot tea, and a good book. No matter where you are, there is always something pleasant and personal to do, and I happen to be back at my parents' house with a really nice fireplace. I think I'm moving out of this funk that I had quickly moved into, and now I feel like expressing my cheesy disposition on the importance of doing something good for yourself everyday. Maybe it's more like gaining perspective, not getting your panties in a twist at the slightest sign of discomfort, feeling the discomfort for what it is, and moving through it. Michael said it really nicely when he explained the difference between being happy and content. Happy is a momentary feeling whereas content is a steadier state of being; you can be really unhappy after losing your keys but really content with your life all the same (I should know...). I am extremely content with my life and excited to be starting a new life here, despite my current unhappiness... though I wouldn't call it unhappiness so much as something uncomfortable or displeased.
Have I ever said how much I love beer? Not only do I love beer, I love love LOVE Atlanta's beer selection! Going to the beer aisle in Kroger is like being 9 years old and going to Toys R Us with $20. Also, as soon as I get a job, I'm going to order my very own beer brewing equipment and start making my welcome home feel like home again! Maybe I should have a party?

What am I going to do with my life?

That question has been coming up a lot lately, and I don't know why. Maybe because if I were on track in school right now, I'd be graduating at the end of the semester. I don't know what I am going to do after I graduate! And I currently don't care! It's 1 1/2 years away, so it's extremely unrealistic to have a plan. Certain things in life require some planning; I've learned a little about the benefits of doing a bit of research and planning before traveling somewhere foreign, especially when going by myself (see also, obtaining a visa to visit Turkey). At the same time, trying to formulate a plan of my future never really works - I always end up doing the right things and being in the right places at the right times in my life because I guess I'm open, aware, driven, and intuitive. I love hearing about my friends' plans after graduation, but I can't stand trying to make my own. I mean, currently I don't know where I'm going to live in a month!
Getting settled kind of sucks because I'm now applying for a job around the city, spending time with friends as much as my social meter can handle, about to start class, and commuting back and forth between the city and Marietta. It feels sort of sad and lonely when I'm making the drive away from the city; I don't know how long I'll be able to go before I break down and find a room available or start a lease with someone.
Admittedly, I'm a bit unexcited to be settling down here... it's not as exciting as the first time I moved into the house in Atlanta or when I went dancing for the first time with my new friends in Aalborg. I don't know what it is, but I'm trying not to deny the feelings of general disappointment. I thought I'd blossom after coming home, but I've receded and lost a certain glow that I had in Denmark. I think it's just growing pains and discomforts, but it's disturbing all the same. I don't know if I have any readers, but I'd love some feedback.

I'm hooooooome!

This is the longest time since I got to Denmark that I've gone without writing. I haven't written a blog post, a letter, or a journal entry in two weeks. I came home three weeks early, much to the surprise of pretty much everyone at home, and I've been so occupied with packing, 23 solid hours of traveling, visiting with people, attempts to sleep, and settling my life that I haven't had time to write. Or maybe I haven't wanted to hear myself think. It's weird to be home; the excitement wore off and now I'm home. Job searching, driving a car, spending too much money at restaurants or movie theaters, watching television... things I hated about living in America. They've come back like a bad habit; honestly, aside from job searching, all of those things are bad habits. It was so easy not to think about these things in a different setting, but here it's all too common and normal. Maybe life in Aalborg was like a pilgrimage, going somewhere so different and isolated from my home to see if I could live without a car on the cold days or read a book when I was bored. It's a state of mind, not the setting in which you're placed... I just have to keep remembering that and writing and discovering new aspects of myself, the family I make in my life, and life in general.
So far, I haven't seen anything glaringly American other than the huge cars, and I didn't need to go to Europe to realize that people are completely ridiculous about SUVs. I just feel so different, you know? The change is totally within, and I've decided to stop looking for differences between Europe and the US. I realized that I haven't been treating the settling down experience here in the same fashion as when I got to Denmark. In Denmark, I made no immediate judgments, gave every bad experience a fair chance, looked for the positive everywhere, and remained really sensitive to myself. I'm so much harder on my home than I would be anywhere else, and I need to lighten up. One obviously upside about being home is that it's home, and I'm with family and friends here. Another thing is that the sun rises at 8:30am and sets around 6. That's about 4 more hours of sunlight than in Denmark, hahaha. I'm trying to keep an open mind and a center. I really am.
Last night, I had dreams about traveling plans gone awry, missing planes, getting stuck in a strange city, calling airlines and being hassled. I realized that I need to wait a little while and settle down before I travel again. My parents are going to take my grandmother to Panama to live with my aunt and uncle in February - I was jealous that I couldn't go with them, but then I remembered my hellish dream and the horrid process of customs. Welcome back to the US, Dani.
Also, on a side note, traveling has wreaked havoc on my body. I never weighed myself in Europe (what am I going to do with kilos?), but I am currently 8 pounds more than I was right before leaving Atlanta. I think I've lost some since the height of my weight gain, which means I gained 10 or more pounds, despite my healthy lifestyle. My friend Michael said that he gained weight in Scotland and his ex-girlfriend Jen gained 30 lbs in South Africa!! Yikes! I can gather a number of logical reasons from weight gain when traveling, but how does one counteract that?